Three years ago yesterday, I died. Well, I guess since I'm writing this I'm not actually dead, but I should be. Based on statistics alone, my time should have come sometime in the night after my heart would no longer function.

Had this been 30 years ago, I would certainly be on the "other side".

I still don't know why I survived. I've heard it all, from "You have a second chance'' to "you should be so thankful". But I have not yet heard why I lived.

Yeah, I know, "the kids need their father". But as well-intentioned as they are, most people have no clue what it means to have faced death. Certain friends (no names please) have even commented that it's much ado about nothing and that I should just "get over it."

But they themselves have never been put in that situation. They can't possibly fathom what it feels like to realize - at 39 years old - that you are now a burden. They can not understand the feeling of utter frustration at not being able to do the most simple tasks without total exhaustion.

They certainly can not relate to the very real feeling that sleep is no longer a respite, but a fear.

I'm tired of people who "know" how I feel. Unless you've been put in this situation, you couldn't possibly. I liken it to "survivor's remorse", like those who walk away from a plane crash only to find the person sitting next to you didn't. The only difference is that you didn't cause the plane to crash. Someone else was to blame.

In my case, there is no one else. Whether I caused my illness or not is not the issue. The point is that those of us who have been in this situation have no one to blame. Hence, we tend to blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being a burden. We blame ourselves for not being able to do the things we once found simple and we blame ourselves for not feeling and thinking the way we once did.

Three years ago, after I woke up, the doctor told me that the recovery would be difficult. He never told how horribly painful, both physically and emotionally, it would be. I guess - maybe - if he would have, I'd have given up.