Friday, August 08, 2008

It seems sleep is eluding me tonight. I've had a mixed bag of stresses the last few days and maybe it's all catching up to me now.

I wonder why it is that some people react the way they do to certain situations. Sometimes, I wonder if there is an honest soul left in the world. I don't mean someone who tries to tell the truth and is good-hearted. I know they exist because some of my friends - new and old alike - foot that bill.

I mean someone who no matter what the situation calls for, even if it means indicting themselves, would be bold enough to be completely, totally honest. Someone who would take blame where blame is warranted and not sell another short to save himself.

I'm being tested by the creator in a way I thought I'd never be tested again and I'm numb because of it. In some ways, this week has been a goldmine. I've made a few new friends and am opening myself to experiences I didn't see coming a week ago. That's the good part.

But it seems in my life, there is always good right next to the bad. It can't be all good because that would spoil me, don't you know. But it can't be all bad or I'd eventually just put a bullet in my head. So I always live in the nether regions of happy and sad - knowing there is a light at the end off the tunnel and leery that it's a train heading the other way.

As I told a new friend of mine recently, the kiddie table suits me well because I'd rather have the chicken nuggets than the liver pate any day. But on the other hand, as she so eloquently replied, the Spongebob soundtrack in the background can drive you nuts.

So why do we react in certain ways? Why do we feel attraction deeply for one soul and dismiss another without even meeting them face to face? Why do we not have the answers even when they smack us right in the face? Why am I asking you these questions?

Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm fried. Maybe I'm just so damn tired of being tested. Maybe I want good without the bad. Maybe I feel I've had more than my fair share of bad. Maybe I deserve the good for a change.

Is anybody up there? Is anybody listening?

The world is a dark, cold place for people like me. We feel in a world that suppresses feelings. Oh, sure there are sick people who feel outrage whenever their god is insulted - as if HE can't get over a pesky human. But most of those people are nuts anyway.

No. People like me feel EVERYTHING. It destroys us to destroy someone else, even if we have no choice in the matter. We are the ones who stand up and say, "yes, I was my responsibility and my fault and you shouldn't blame someone else for what I did."

Unfortunately, the same courtesy doesn't always extend from those around us. Because we feel EVERYTHING, we hurt and we sulk and we wonder "why me?" And the answer is right there - are we too stupid to see it? Or are we too broken to fix it?

Hell if I know.

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